Kelly Conaboy DNA-tests her rescue dog, Peter Parker, in a bid to silence a know-it-all, loudmouth schnook at the dog park who thinks he can deduce Peter’s canine heritage at a glance. In Peter’s results, Conaboy gets a pleasant surprise.

I wanted to know what he was because I want to know everything I can about him, and because I wanted to shove it in the face of any goddamn rude know-it-all men I came across in the future.

Oh, you would like to know even more about Peter? If you insist. He has velvet ears. He has a spotted tongue. When he walks down the stairs, at his moderately paced gentleman’s trot, you can tell he’s a bit bow-legged. He has the heart of an angel and the soul of a poet, and there’s a hint of sadness to him that makes you want to protect him against…

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